REVIEW: Underworld Evolution (2006)

Underworld Evolution (2006): D-

This werewolf/vampire slayer, who also happens to be a vampire, teams up with a half werewolf half vampire dude to battle a gargoyle-vampire elder who is trying to free his werewolf twin brother from a thousand year old casket located in a Romanian cave maze so they can take over the world and turn it into a werewolf-vampire-gargoyle utopia which would probably be a dystopia if you aren’t a werewolf/vampire/gargoyle/werewolf-vampire-gargoyle.

The plot is such a fucking mess. You could watch it on mute and blast some 1990’s techno music and you’d probably understand the movie better than I did. There’s that convoluted vampire/werewolf business and then a bunch of medieval looking dudes who look like the Lord of the Rings elves with their ponytails dyed black. And fucking EVERYONE knows karate. It’s like they used a computer program to write the story, but before pushing “GENERATE,” they dumped a bucket of ice water on the motherboard and sparks started flying everywhere; “bzzz… beepbeep…blip bzzzzzVAMPIRE… bzzzWEREWOLF… bzzzLEATHER… bzzzzzSLOWMOTION… bzzzzzzGARGOYLEWORLDDOMINATION…” and, there it is: Underworld Evolution.

The action in the movie was unbelievable… ly played out Matrixesque unoriginality. It was impossible to take seriously for even a single second. This one dude pulls a rope attached to a helicopter and makes it crash to the ground. The color of the movie was a cold gray the WHOLE time and there are so many contorted CGI attack scenes that rival Transformers 3 that you could base a drinking game on them. You would think with pretty consistent attention-deficit-disorder-levels of editing, the movie would be at least occasionally entertaining but you would be wrong. After the tone is set in the first 15 minutes, you’ll be desensitized to the rest of the film; the whole movie is basically a looping 15 minute action sequence bookended by overacted conversation that is based on some clusterfuck exposition. Unless you have the memory of a fish, you will be unmoved.